“Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That’s what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will…” -Birdee from the film Hope Floats
For over 2 1/2 years Jeff and I have been on what seems like the worst roller-coaster ever. A ride I like to call "The Quest for Baby K." A ride with the worst turns, twist and drops and very little excitement. The year 2011 was going to be our year. Little did we know, our path was already determined and what we were about to endure was going to be difficult and painful and would push us to the point of giving up, losing hope.
We began our year in a clinician's office surrounded by other hopeful IVF'ers, willing to give up their days, nights and weekends to be controlled by calendars, appointments, injections and pills with no guarantee of a baby. Hell, no guarantee that our bodies (the mother's to be) would even respond to all this stimulation. We practiced prepping our injections with saline solution and learned how to administer the injection on a rubber and foam stress ball. *Which by the way does not offer the same resistance or pain associated with sticking yourself with a needle.* We listened closely to every word uttered from the nurses mouth, fearful we would miss something that could potentially halt all of our efforts. We came home, overwhelmed and nervous, we couldn't believe that this was where we were at. For the next two months, we were troopers! Jeff became a pro at giving shots and my stomach got use to the twice daily injections (with minimal bruising I might add!) Our hope was deflated when the nurse called with our results and the dreaded words were uttered..."I'm sorry, you're not pregnant". You would think that after all this time I would be use to those words, however after receiving pictures of your perfect tiny embryos, all you can think about is it will work this time.
A sadness came over me that I never experienced and I became bitter and more angry at the situation. Fortunately for me, I have the most loving and supportive husband. He made me see the silver lining, our time was not done, we had two frozen embryos waiting in the wings. We were given a second chance. Taking some time off, we began phase ? ( i forget what phase we are at) on our quest for Baby K in the summer. Things were so much better this time, our minds were clear and focused and I didn't have to endure the countless medications and doctors appointments. Things felt different. It was as if the stars were aligned and our shining moment was about to be reviled. That moment came, "Hi Jennifer it's Ashley from Dr. S's office. I have great news, you're pregnant, congratulations!" Though my instant tears, came disbelief as I responded with ''Your kidding, right?" I couldn't wait to get off the phone and call Jeff. The need to be embraced by him was overwhelming. We did it! We were going to have a baby! For the next week, I analyzed every cramp and discomfort and Jeff became obsessed with my well being. All of our hard work paid off and we weren't going to let anything get in the way! We told only those we trusted and hoped we would be able to keep our secret until our first sonogram...two weeks away!
One week and one day later, hope came crashing down again. This time at a force that no one should endure. I miscarried at 5 1/2 weeks. My whole world stopped. My heart shattered into a million pieces. In that one week I fell in love with that tiny being and suddenly it was gone. And the dream of ever becoming a "Mommy" quickly disappeared. Forced to bed rest, all I did was cry and agonize over why God chose this for us. What did we ever do to deserve this pain?
At the end of that week still devastated and heartbroken, Jeff and I begin discussing our next plan of action. Adoption would be our next plan. In that moment, a calm settled over our house and in our hearts. Our path had become clear and I understood why we had to endure, what it is we had to endure. Our journey to this point was to teach us more about our inner strength, as well as the strength of our marriage and love for each other. Jeff and I were destined to be mommy and daddy and adoption was going to give us that opportunity.
This blog is a way for Jeff and I to share our thoughts and to give our friends and family an opportunity to see our path to bringing a baby into our house. I hope that this gives everyone some peace of mind in our decision and answers any questions you might have a long the way. The relationships with our family and friends are our cornerstone to building our little family. Our new path and new beginning is going to be trying and scary at times. Your support and understanding with help us get through. And our baby, whatever race and whatever gender will be forever thankful!
Hope will float again!
Love,
Jennifer
We began our year in a clinician's office surrounded by other hopeful IVF'ers, willing to give up their days, nights and weekends to be controlled by calendars, appointments, injections and pills with no guarantee of a baby. Hell, no guarantee that our bodies (the mother's to be) would even respond to all this stimulation. We practiced prepping our injections with saline solution and learned how to administer the injection on a rubber and foam stress ball. *Which by the way does not offer the same resistance or pain associated with sticking yourself with a needle.* We listened closely to every word uttered from the nurses mouth, fearful we would miss something that could potentially halt all of our efforts. We came home, overwhelmed and nervous, we couldn't believe that this was where we were at. For the next two months, we were troopers! Jeff became a pro at giving shots and my stomach got use to the twice daily injections (with minimal bruising I might add!) Our hope was deflated when the nurse called with our results and the dreaded words were uttered..."I'm sorry, you're not pregnant". You would think that after all this time I would be use to those words, however after receiving pictures of your perfect tiny embryos, all you can think about is it will work this time.
A sadness came over me that I never experienced and I became bitter and more angry at the situation. Fortunately for me, I have the most loving and supportive husband. He made me see the silver lining, our time was not done, we had two frozen embryos waiting in the wings. We were given a second chance. Taking some time off, we began phase ? ( i forget what phase we are at) on our quest for Baby K in the summer. Things were so much better this time, our minds were clear and focused and I didn't have to endure the countless medications and doctors appointments. Things felt different. It was as if the stars were aligned and our shining moment was about to be reviled. That moment came, "Hi Jennifer it's Ashley from Dr. S's office. I have great news, you're pregnant, congratulations!" Though my instant tears, came disbelief as I responded with ''Your kidding, right?" I couldn't wait to get off the phone and call Jeff. The need to be embraced by him was overwhelming. We did it! We were going to have a baby! For the next week, I analyzed every cramp and discomfort and Jeff became obsessed with my well being. All of our hard work paid off and we weren't going to let anything get in the way! We told only those we trusted and hoped we would be able to keep our secret until our first sonogram...two weeks away!
One week and one day later, hope came crashing down again. This time at a force that no one should endure. I miscarried at 5 1/2 weeks. My whole world stopped. My heart shattered into a million pieces. In that one week I fell in love with that tiny being and suddenly it was gone. And the dream of ever becoming a "Mommy" quickly disappeared. Forced to bed rest, all I did was cry and agonize over why God chose this for us. What did we ever do to deserve this pain?
At the end of that week still devastated and heartbroken, Jeff and I begin discussing our next plan of action. Adoption would be our next plan. In that moment, a calm settled over our house and in our hearts. Our path had become clear and I understood why we had to endure, what it is we had to endure. Our journey to this point was to teach us more about our inner strength, as well as the strength of our marriage and love for each other. Jeff and I were destined to be mommy and daddy and adoption was going to give us that opportunity.
This blog is a way for Jeff and I to share our thoughts and to give our friends and family an opportunity to see our path to bringing a baby into our house. I hope that this gives everyone some peace of mind in our decision and answers any questions you might have a long the way. The relationships with our family and friends are our cornerstone to building our little family. Our new path and new beginning is going to be trying and scary at times. Your support and understanding with help us get through. And our baby, whatever race and whatever gender will be forever thankful!
Hope will float again!
Love,
Jennifer
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