Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

From our family to yours, we want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas & Happy New year! Cheers to 2012, may each of you (and us) be blessed with a great year and many joys! :)

Hope to get back to writing once we get pass the holidays!

Jen

I love & hate this time of year...

Christmas is the holiday for joy and cheer. I love that my house if fully decorated and smells of Christmas. I love that I can listen to Christmas music non-stop during the day and I love that this time of the year brings out the best in otherwise hurtful and hateful individuals. Christmas is also rather depressing for those of us suffering from infertility. Why? Because this time of year everyone is posting their pictures on facebook of their little ones dressed in their cute Christmas best or posting comments about how they will be spending their first Christmas as a family with their new baby. And so on and so forth...And while I'm happy for those that have had a joyous year and have been blessed with a baby, I'm also extremely angry and jealous.


The first Christmas without a baby came and went, the second Christmas (last year) came and went as well but at that point we already knew what was beginning in January 2011. This year, Christmas is just plain depressing! A whole year has passed and again we are with out a baby, without a complete family and no idea what lies in 2012. So we are making the best of what we can, enjoying as much as the holiday we can in hopes that 2012 will bring a year of joy and cheer and that next Christmas will be our special Christmas.

The adoption process as I mentioned before is an uneventful process unless your matched or close to being placed. We are now beginning month 3 of this journey and the only nibbles we have had are from my networking with a facilitator in California were cases neither one of us were certain were the best for us and for our family. A high price tag and a very spotty past of the mother and an unknown birth father are hard pills to swallow. :/ So we continue to wait. I'm trying my hardest to remain optimistic and often find myself breaking down in tears. I question my emotional and mental strength. Can I continue down this path? Sometimes I wonder if God is listening...does he hear the pain in my voice, the sadness in my heart? When will it be our turn?

In the meantime...we wait, we continue to pray, we continue to hope that we will have our turn and will be blessed with a beautiful baby.

Many thanks..

This year has been less than stellar for Jeff and I. But with Thanksgiving day tomorrow I wanted to say how thankful and blessed I am for the life I was given. I am thankful for my husband, my friends and my family. Despite infertility, I'm thankful for my health and know that I can conquer this disease. I'm thankful to be on our adoption path and know that God will bless us with a child. I'm thankful for all the support and love that everyone has given us and know that this support and love has made us stronger!

From our family to yours may you have a blessed Thanksgiving!

Love,
Jeff and Jennifer

Updates

Sorry for the delayed update. Busy with work and more work! :) 

Wednesday Jeff and I had our home study visit. I frantically spent the morning cleaning our house (even though we had it cleaned professionally the week before). I wanted to ensure that everything was in place and "perfect" for our social worker. Since this was the first time we were meeting, I wanted her to have the best "first" impression of us. We sat in our kitchen and talked about our application, what we are comfortable with, what led us to where we are and we went into further detail about our biographical statements. That was the hardest thing about the visit. It was almost like therapy having to explain your childhood etc. We survived! An hour and a half later we were wrapping up and she asked us to see where the baby would sleep. Besides the kitchen and the foyer that is the only room she saw. Oh well, at least I have a really really clean house! From here it will be about 2 to 3 weeks for her to write her report. As of now we know we have not been presented to any birth mothers, but she indicated we are still early in the process. She indicated that the process shouldn't be too horribly long (though that is easy for her to say...she's not the one waiting!)

Through the advice of our agency we were told to "search" for potential birth mothers or situations to speed up the process. The internet is a helpful tool, but you have to be weary of potential scammers. Last week we did find a situation of a baby that was to be born this week in Las Vegas. We contacted the agency and through our conversation with her decided that we would be presented. However, after continue discussion between Jeff and I we decided that this situation wasn't the best situation to take a risk on. We declined to be presented. It's amazing how close we were to having a baby, but know in our hearts that there more risks that could potentially lead to issues down the road. 

In the meantime, we are looking at other Florida agencies and national agencies pricing their programs and potentially will sign with an additional entity to get us exposed to more birth mothers. I continue to look on line and have added myself to newsletters with respected agencies in the industry for "hard to place" situations. 

We also have made progress in Baby K's room! We decided on the furniture and placed it on lay-way this week. This gives us time to pay it off and gives us the opportunity to have it delivered when needed vs having it in the room for months waiting for baby. :) 

Thank you again to everyone for their continued support, encouragement and love. It means the world to us and our future child. :)

From our house to yours we wish you a healthy and happy Thanksgiving! We are so thankful and blessed to have you all apart of our lives!

Love,

Jeff and Jennifer

Baby on the brain!

**Update** Home study has been rescheduled for November 16th. Will update next week once completed. On the bright side, we had our house cleaned yesterday and it looks great! Lets hope it stays that way! :)

This week we are scheduled for our home study! I'm so excited and nervous and hope that everything goes well. Just hoping for that phone call soon with good news of a match! All I can think about is baby stuff. Jeff and I went and looked at baby furniture and I think we found what we would like for the nursery. We've started our registry and have bought some small clothing (gender neutral) items. Some might say that it's too early, but we are expectant parents just like a pregnant couple would be. So why not start planning and purchasing! I know deep in my heart that this won't be a long process so why not be prepared. It makes me happy to have baby things around! :)

I'll update after our home study!

Love,
Jen

A down day...

Maybe it's the weather (cloudy and rainy here) or maybe its my hormones, but I am feeling depressed and blue. I suddenly found myself while sitting here at my desk thinking about the baby we lost and where I would be in the pregnancy process. This weekend we would've been entering our 15th week. It's been 10 weeks since we lost our "poppy". Its weird to think that at this point we would know the gender and would be planning our nursery. I know with time it will get easier, but today my heart aches and wish that things could be different.

Waiting is the hardest part...

Not a lot going on with the adoption process right now. Last week I completed our "Dear Birth Mother" letter for our profile and made some tweaks. Our first part of our home study is scheduled for November 9th. I plan on taking that day off and making sure our house is in top shape! Other than that, we are just waiting. Our agency can start presenting our profile to prospective birth mothers so it's just a matter of time before we are selected. It's tough being patient!

In the meantime I am keeping myself busy with my Etsy business and planning ahead for things for the nursery as well as Christmas. I'm finding other blogs and communities to go to reading about experiences bad and good and what other couples do in the waiting game. I take comfort in knowing that we are not the only ones going through this.

Cheers for now! Happy Halloween! :)

The last week...

I've been meaning to post, but things have been crazy busy...which is good! This past week Jeff and I celebrated 5 years of marriage!! It is amazing how time flies and I can't wait for the next several decades! We celebrated with a fancy dinner and a night downtown. Something that was needed! It was nice to get away from the house for a night :)

Most of you know that I'm a small business owner on the side as well. Our shop has been super busy this past week with 4 orders and a few custom requests. We've been busy working on this as well as preparing our holiday home decor items :) Thankfully I am good at multitasking!

On the adoption front we have been busy gathering documents needed for the home study and getting them uploaded to our social worker. The most time consuming of these items are our biographical statements. Mine ended up being nearly 5 pages in length! As of yesterday, our profile can be shown to prospective birth families! It has been a work in progress all week and we now about our "About Us" section and pictures galore. We are still struggling to write our Dear Birth Mother letter and hope to have that completed soon. I think I'm making it more difficult then what it needs to be. Our social worker should be calling us this week to schedule our home study. I'm enjoying each step of the process and feel that every step is one step closer to our baby! :)

** Our home study is scheduled for November 9th! WooHoo!!

Cheers for now! 

Jen :)

What do you say?

I hope everyone had a restful weekend! Jeff and I were hoping to working on our adoptive parent profile, but ran into computer issues with the site we are using...BOO! Instead, I'm having to work on it while at work in between doing other things. Hopefully we get our computer issues resolved. 

In reviewing what will be in our profile, I am having a hard time deciding what to say and what pictures to choose. Were essentially marketing ourselves to potential birth mothers and I don't want to come off in a bad way.  How much is too much in regards to the information we give? What do you say to the person who's giving birth to your soon-to-be child? How do you articulate through words how much this child will be loved and cared for?  The online communities weren't kidding when they said this would be the most difficult letter you'll ever write! I guess the easiest way to do this letter, and the rest of the profile is to speak from my heart and hopefully the words will flow.

This week also marks Jeff and I's 5th year Wedding Anniversary! I'm so incredibly lucky and blessed to have him in my life!

All Things Adoption!

Today Jeff and I met with our Agency of choice, Heart of Adoptions Inc. here in Tampa. We were nervous and excited as we pulled into the parking lot...this was our first "big" step to completing our family! Application in hand, questions listed out we opened the door to what we hope and pray is a joyous road.

Ms. S. went through the application, discussing each section and the situations that can come from it. We discussed how the process works, and what our next steps are. Jeff and I were excited to learn that once our local and federal clearances come back our profile will be ready to be viewed by birth mothers. She shed light to the number of families in waiting, the average age and the percentage of birth mothers who decide to parent. Jeff and I left our meeting feeling very informed and more confident of the process. With a few minor details to discuss we returned to the car to finish the application. I was so eager I told Ms. S. that I would be back in a few minutes as I didn't want to mail it in!

Here I am writing out the check for the application fee!

The application has been turned in, we can begin working on our profile and we will be making an appointment to initiate the local and federal background checks! We can officially say we are "in the process"!

Today was also a very hard day. Because of timing and scheduling, we also met with our Reproductive Endocrinologist to discuss what our next steps were/are and to talk about our miscarriage. Tears flowed as we talked about what happened and what we have for us in the future. Our doctor is confident that if we try IVF again, it can work...he just doesn't want us to give up. He does support us however in whatever we choose. The discussion is still open on when we will approach IVF again...and we know that it's not in our cards at this moment in time. Dr. S has been wonderful and as we left our office he gave me a hug and said that he wants nothing but the best for us!

I like the feeling of being an official parent in waiting! :)

"All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they have asked and desired." Martin Luther



What Every *Prospective* Parent Should Complete...

In my previous post, I was confused and conflicted at the prospect of adoption. Waking that next morning I realized that my emotions were stemmed from the recent announcement of a "facebook friends" pregnancy and the fact that it seemed like everyone I'm surrounded by is lucky enough to conceive and share their joy with the world. I was jealous and envious of what they have. I am happy to announce that my doubts are no longer there, and we are continuing on our path.

This coming Wednesday, Jeff and I have two very important meetings. The first is with the adoption agency we are applying to and the second is with the RE, to discuss what went wrong and to hear his insights about our future chances with IVF. Both should be very interesting as we are closing one chapter of our story and beginning the next...

We received our Home Study Packet to get a head start collecting the items needed. The home study process can take 6 to 8 weeks to complete and includes all of the following:

1. Local/State/Federal Background Checks

2. Fingerprinted by the FBI

3. Income Statements

4. Medical Physical

5. 5 Letters of Recommendations

6. Employment Verification

7. Biographical Information of both adoptive parents to include information on your family relationships, childhood, marriage, views on child rearing, education, community and religion and how all of this will effect your new soon to be child

8. Good Moral Character Affidavit

9. The list continues...and continues...

It is absolutely mind boggling at the amount of information we have to gather and put together just for the home study. They even inspect your home! It is crazy that only adoptive parents endure this...all prospective parents should have to do this. I think it would solve and prevent certain individuals from parenting.

So next week I will begin looking into the background checks and fingerprinting and will be scheduling our physicals. At least I don't have to track down Birth Certificates or Marriage Licenses...Bonus!

I've even started on our "Dear Birth Mother Letter" or adoptive parent profile. I'm excited to see how it will turn out. :) Jeff is thrilled that I am super organized and enjoy filling out paperwork...because for the next several months there will be no shortage. 

Happy Friday!

Conflicted...

Back from a restful relaxing week on the beach...wanting desperately to go back, the ocean is so soothing! It was so nice to have family in town and to spend quality time with each other. Makes me miss "home" more. The longer we are away the harder it gets...

I'm having a hard time getting back into the swing of things...both at work and at home. My mind has been in a million places. Before leaving for vacation Jeff and I contacted about 5 or 6 agencies to gather more information. And information we gathered. From that we have selected two that we are potentially going to apply to. Suddenly fear and doubt is creeping in my head and heart. Is this the right path? Should we try IVF again? Back and forth...back and forth. Such a big decision.

Tonight I feel lost and confused. Fear of the unknown is powerful.

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' Eleanor Roosevelt

A Little R&R

"The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time." Abraham Lincoln

This week we are headed to the beach! I can't remember the last time I spent an entire week at the beach. It truly is one of my favorite places. Something so peaceful about the sound of the ocean. The air is cleaner and I always feel so refreshed.

A week away from work, our house, adoption plans and little to no responsibilities! 

Everyone have a great weekend and week ahead. Take time each night to reflect on your day, count your blessings and take a little time for yourself. We all deserve a little R&R!

Love 
Jennifer :) 

Let the research commence!

First off I would like to thank everyone for their warm and positive responses to Jeff and I's path. We feel truly blessed to have the support of our friends and families and forever grateful to have you in our lives.

A little over a week ago we met with a consultant who shared some input and advice to the process of adoption. She shared with us advice on our budget, birth mom situations and how she feels certain factors about us are positive attributes to a "quick" match and placement with a baby. After our meeting we decided that before choosing whether or not we would use her services, we would do research ourselves to see if we could be our "own" consultants.

Many may wonder what an Adoption Consultant does and how it benefits the adoptive parent. Consultants are not placing agencies and are not legally allowed to place a child. They simply serve as a guide to the ins and outs, and serve as support for the adoptive parent through the process. In our case, the consultant we found does several things. She a.) walks you through and educates you about the adoption process including which states are safest to adopt from, rights of the adoptive parents and rights of the birth mom or family b.) assists you on your adoptive parent profile to make it the most appealing to the birth mom c.) puts together for you a custom adoption plan and puts you in contact with agencies and lawyers who prefer only to work in those states d.) once with an agency, will work with you on determining whether or not a "match" is safe. All of these services come with a fee, a fee we are not sure about spending. I guess this decision will be made once we receive all the information from the local agencies. In my opinion, another set of eyes, ears and shoulder to lean on are never a bad thing, just how much you want to pay for this is another question. 

So for the last week, I've been obsessively researching and reading about local attorneys, agencies and the State of Florida adoption laws. I've been processing the information and sending it to Jeff who in turn calls these agencies requesting more information. Each agency that we have received information from is completely different from the next. Their differences range from their time frame to most importantly their cost. Each come highly recommended which makes the decision that more difficult. We are still waiting on a few more to get back with us before we can make a sound judgement call. We're nervous to make that leap, as you don't want to make the wrong decision. A wrong turn here, leaves your pocket book a little lighter and you a little further behind in the process. I believe our hearts will lead us in the correct direction!

Cheers!
Jeff & Jennifer

New Path and New Beginnings...

“Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That’s what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it’s the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will…” -Birdee from the film Hope Floats

For over 2 1/2 years Jeff and I have been on what seems like the worst roller-coaster ever. A ride I like to call "The Quest for Baby K." A ride with the worst turns, twist and drops and very little excitement. The year 2011 was going to be our year. Little did we know, our path was already determined and what we were about to endure was going to be difficult and painful and would push us to the point of giving up, losing hope. 

We began our year in a clinician's office surrounded by other hopeful IVF'ers, willing to give up their days, nights and weekends to be controlled by calendars, appointments, injections and pills with no guarantee of a baby. Hell, no guarantee that our bodies (the mother's to be) would even respond to all this stimulation. We practiced prepping our injections with saline solution and learned how to administer the injection on a rubber and foam stress ball. *Which by the way does not offer the same resistance or pain associated with sticking yourself with a needle.* We listened closely to every word uttered from the nurses mouth, fearful we would miss something that could potentially halt all of our efforts. We came home, overwhelmed and nervous, we couldn't believe that this was where we were at. For the next two months, we were troopers! Jeff became a pro at giving shots and my stomach got use to the twice daily injections (with minimal bruising I might add!) Our hope was deflated when the nurse called with our results and the dreaded words were uttered..."I'm sorry, you're not pregnant". You would think that after all this time I would be use to those words, however after receiving pictures of your perfect tiny embryos, all you can think about is it will work this time. 

 A sadness came over me  that I never experienced and I became bitter and more angry at the situation. Fortunately for me, I have the most loving and supportive husband. He made me see the silver lining, our time was not done, we had two frozen embryos waiting in the wings. We were given a second chance. Taking some time off, we began phase ? ( i forget what phase we are at) on our quest for Baby K in the summer. Things were so much better this time, our minds were clear and focused and I didn't have to endure the countless medications and doctors appointments. Things felt different. It was as if the stars were aligned and our shining moment was about to be reviled. That moment came, "Hi Jennifer it's Ashley from Dr. S's office. I have great news, you're pregnant, congratulations!" Though my instant tears, came disbelief as I responded with ''Your kidding, right?" I couldn't wait to get off the phone and call Jeff. The need to be embraced by him was overwhelming. We did it! We were going to have a baby! For the next week, I analyzed every cramp and discomfort and Jeff became obsessed with my well being. All of our hard work paid off and we weren't going to let anything get in the way! We told only those we trusted and hoped we would be able to keep our secret until our first sonogram...two weeks away!

One week and one day later, hope came crashing down again. This time at a force that no one should endure. I miscarried at 5 1/2 weeks. My whole world stopped. My heart shattered into a million pieces. In that one week I fell in love with that tiny being and suddenly it was gone. And the dream of ever becoming a "Mommy" quickly disappeared. Forced to bed rest, all I did was cry and agonize over why God chose this for us. What did we ever do to deserve this pain?


At the end of that week still devastated and heartbroken, Jeff and I begin discussing our next plan of action. Adoption would be our next plan. In that moment, a calm settled over our house and in our hearts. Our path had become clear and I understood why we had to endure, what it is we had to endure. Our journey to this point was to teach us more about our inner strength, as well as the strength of our marriage and love for each other. Jeff and I were destined to be mommy and daddy and adoption was going to give us that opportunity.


This blog is a way for Jeff and I to share our thoughts and to give our friends and family an opportunity to see our path to bringing a baby into our house. I hope that this gives everyone some peace of mind in our decision and answers any questions you might have a long the way. The relationships with our family and friends are our cornerstone to building our little family. Our new path and new beginning is going to be trying and scary at times. Your support and understanding with help us get through. And our baby, whatever race and whatever gender will be forever thankful!


Hope will float again!


Love,


Jennifer